DISCLOSING YOUR DOUBLE LIFE TO YOUR PARTNER – A KEY TOWARDS SPIRITUAL RENEWAL AND GROWTH
James 5:16, “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.”
Isaiah 1:17,"Learn to do good, seek justice; rebuke the oppressor." A sex addict living a double life of sin is the oppressor, as most every betrayed spouse will confide. Rebuke the behavior, do what is right, and seek justice with your spouse. Accountability, honesty, integrity, living a holy life pleasing to God.
By Synthia Esther
Your secret, sexual double life is a sin against the Lord (2 Samuel 12:13), and your spouse. As love is to be without dissimulation, which means not to hide under false appearance. We are instructed by God to abhor evil, and cleave to that which is good (Romans 12:9). Being kindly affectioned one to another with love, in honor preferring one another (Romans 12:10). Love works no ill, and therefore is the fulfilling of the law (Romans 13:10). A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, ... all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another (John 13:34-35). You show love for your spouse when you desire to live in authentic Christ centered character.
Sex addicts living life on the down low have skewed psychosocial and spiritual thought processes. The darkness of living a secret double life of sin is both self evident and destructive, and far removed from Jesus Christ's example and instruction of love. A commonly used description of this skewed mindset within addiction communities has often been titled, “stinking thinking”. The Biblical explanation of lack in spiritual and mental clarity and sins affect is referred to as the “blind mind”(2 Cor. 4:2-6). Whatever terminology one may use to describe an addict's destructive belief system, they are skewed when denying disclosure of their sin filled double life isn't a necessary action towards living a life of spiritual integrity and renewal. Everything in our life must be held together by the truth of God's light. Without sins confession and disclosure, truth remains forever buried in sin.
“You will reap what you sow” - (Gal. 6:7-8, Rom. 6:23)
We reap what we sow (Gal. 6:7-8; Romans 6:23). Our guilt is not hidden from God (Ps. 69:5; Jere. 16:17), all sin grows in secret darkness (Job 24:13,15,17; Isa. 29:15-16; Isa. 28:15; Ps. 139:11-12, Jere. 23:24). Admitting sin strongholds on your soul yields fruit. As sincere, repentance, and surrender to God is the first step towards spiritual, emotional, physical, health and renewal. “Let the wicked forsake his ways, and let him return unto the Lord (your part in repentance) and He will have mercy upon him; and to our God for He will abundantly pardon (God confirmed results)” - Isa. 55:7.
King Solomon was a glutton for sexual lust and sin (Ecclesiastes 2:10). His harem of 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Kings 11:3), did not satisfy the longings within his soul and ultimately lead to his spiritual failure. His wives turned his heart after other gods; and his heart was not loyal to God (v.4), incurring God's wrath (v. 9). Solomon's end resolve confirmed, all such searching was “vanity of vanities” (1:2), and it is best to “Fear God and keep His commandments” (12:13).
We are to walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envy, making no provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof while casting off the work in darkness, putting on the armour of light (Romans 13:12-14). Cling to your faith in Christ and keep your conscience clear in order that your faith will prosper (1 Timothy 1:19). Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves (Romans 12:3). For who may climb the mountain of the Lord and stand in His holy place? Only those whose hands and hearts are pure and free of lies (Psalm 24:3-4). Disclosure of a double life of sin to one's partner is commanded by God (James 5:16). The seeking of forgiveness from your partner follows a walk in commanded righteousness as you seek to edify the other with a desire to reestablish peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17,19). In a restored covenant relationship (1 John 1:5-7). For we are to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). Look at those who are honest and good, for a wonderful future awaits those who love peace (Psalm 37:37).
Let us not forget, that those that know to do good, and don't follow through in doing good, are living a life of sin - James 4:17. If you think you are living a life of a Christian while indulging in viewing Pornography, masturbating, and looking for sex outside of a committed, marital husband and wife relationship, you are spiritually dead wrong. The back slider in heart shall be filled with his own ways is very true – Prov. 14:14. Your heart deceives you (2nd Peter 2:21: Heb. 8:12; Amos. 4:11-12; Rev. 3:16). Confession is a required process of turning back towards God, “ Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.” Matt. 10:32-33.
Put that in black and white, you say? “These things are written.” - 1st John 5:13.
“I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the Lord; and thous forgavest the iniquity of my sins.” - Ps. 32:5
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from our unrighteousness.” 1st John 1:9
“Therefore turn thou to thy God; Keep mercy and judgment, and wait on thy God continually.” - Hosea 12:6
“If thou return to the Almighty, thou shalt be built up, thou shat put away iniquity far from thy tabernacles.” - Job 22:23
“And he is the propitiation for our sins; and not for ours only, but also for the sins of the whole world.” - 1st John 2:2
“Character is what you are in the dark” - Dwight L. Moody
Bill Bright is the author of the book, “Living Supernaturally in Christ”. In chapter 11, page 137, Bright writes, “Our world is hungry for people who exhibit integrity and honesty. ….God wants His children to reflect the character of Christ.” He relates the story of Paul Gustave Dore, a famous 19th century artist, who lost his passport while traveling in Europe. He pleaded with the guard to allow passage, to no avail. To resolve the matter the guard pointed to some nearby peasants and asked Dore to sketch them. Dore penciled a masterful rendering of the peasants that confirmed his identity. Like Dore, our actions paint a picture of who we are. As Christians, we are God's workmanship, created to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do (Ephesians 2:10). Being honest, seeking forgiveness, puts off the “stinking thinking” old self (Ephesians 4:17-5:21; Philippians 2:3-4), taking a walk in humble faith to obey God in Holy righteousness. What Satan meant for harm, can be turned around for good (Genesis 50:20). God blesses those who are gentle and lowly (Matthew 5:5).
The confession of your betrayal will be difficult for your spouse to deal with, as any and all betrayal is. However, by giving the gift of truth a ray of hope shines in the darkness, and a positive step towards healing and restoration of purity and intimacy is achieved. While some partners of sex addicts may have reached a breaking point of no return, with a “too little too late” resolve. I have met many others who believe the confession was not only a gift, but a life saving factor within their marriage. Often going through self introspection with help from Christian counseling. The key? God's power to change people rather than our power to influence the resolve and control the outcome.
This too is a test of faith and reliance on God to see you through no matter the outcome. All sin has consequences. Satan is a powerful enemy, who, through the course of your secret, sexual double life you welcomed into your life with open arms. Once you freely confess your sins our all powerful God helps you defeat the strongholds that held your life captive. You are free from the power of sin and have become slaves of God, doing those things that lead to holiness and result in eternal life (Romans 6:22). Confession and repentance is the first step towards living a victorious, overcoming life (Galatians 5:16-17). For there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).
Copyright, 2014 – 2015, Synthia Esther. All Rights Reserved.